Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like