Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet