My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy