Girl, same.
You Might Also Like
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Where’s my employee discount too?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi