If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Teach your children to beatbox
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?