Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
You Might Also Like
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?