Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha