Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here鈥檚 a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can鈥檛 even run straight
Remember when we didn鈥檛 let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I鈥檝e always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I鈥檓 taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If you weren鈥檛 supposed to stab people then they wouldn鈥檛 have been made so squishy.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
omg leave her alone
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
my name is luke but my friends dont call me