If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.