It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.