Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu