Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
You Might Also Like
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
The Backseat Boys
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.