When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.