listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Woke up against my better judgment again
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often