HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Breaking news:
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.