Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.