[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.