Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
This is the one
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk