Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
You Might Also Like
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“you changed” bro i was 15
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]