A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon