My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
(True)
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain