To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
You Might Also Like
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I already tried new things thanks.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.