3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.