I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.