women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.