paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
You Might Also Like
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Hmm, not sure about this change
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Day 2 of my diet
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.