Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
All generalizations are stupid.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations