I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.