I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you