Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*