I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.