Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons