a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.