Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*