Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I鈥檓 not naked I鈥檓 wearing a hair tie, officer
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa鈥檚 drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
People I hate when I鈥檓 driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I鈥檓 driving.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I鈥檓 going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they鈥檙e bored this summer
I just finished off my daughter鈥檚 leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I鈥檓 not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
i liked her. i wifed her. 馃
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby鈥檚 two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My boss called in sick of me
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You鈥檙e not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!