*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I know
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
yeah 😭
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.