HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You Might Also Like
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Steam Forums
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
what the hell pray for carter everyone
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home