I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
There is no try. There is only give up.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.