My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
smh
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?