*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You Might Also Like
Google assistant rules
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Please do it!
A man of commitment.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
my dad has had enough
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.