date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity