In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.