[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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(Gaming support cat.)
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
こいつ天才
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Shortcut
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now