When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Not recommended for beginners.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese