If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about