The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.