I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
is nasa ok
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.