Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.