thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂