“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
i- i did not expect this
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.